Old Friends and Old Conversations

hello, i don't know if anyone reads this or not but i am sorry I've been away for awhile i have been dealing with depression and some problems with myself but let's get started...

the other day i came across an old friend,  well i say an old friend but i mean an ex, and they asked me how i was doing and i would have loved to look at her, smile and say im doing great but i wasn't. we sat down and had a conversation about old times and what was going on and she looked me in the eye and said "how do you do it jay?" and i just asked what she meant. she proceeded to ask me how i make it look like i have it all together when im breaking down and i was just shook because i didn't expect the question. so i just shook my head and smiled and said an old wise friend of mine once told me that to get through the hard shit in life you have to smile and act like it doesn't effect you. you have to find the right group of people and stick by them.

see people in life feed of drama, it's like the world revolves around whatever the next big piece of news is, but the truth? the truth is nobody wants to feed off their own problems so they go around telling other people's stories because they have no stories of their own to tell. people cling to the idea of love and friendship like it's some kind of privilege. they let people tell them what to wear and how to act. nobody wants to be themselves anymore because they're scared of rejection or of not fitting in with the 'popular' kids but why? what's the point? what's the point of living in a country that has some freedom if you don't even use it. why let people dictate the person you are? ask yourself that the next time you decide to ask for other people's opinions.

growing up i was taught if you had a problem you got on your knees and talked to the man upstairs but why? im sorry in advance to any christians who may read this but ask yourself this. if you go by the bible and live the perfect christian life, where will it get you? into heaven? im sorry but if i am condemned to hell for being the person i am then I'll be happy with it. you may ask how i may know any of this? i used to be just like everyone else. nobody knew my name. all i was known as was the gay chick who sat quietly in the back and never expressed her feelings for anything but now, i walk down the hallway and people i don't even know say hi to me. if i died tomorrow i'd die with a smile on my face because ive lived MY life to the fullest potential. yes it's been filled with heartbreak, loneliness and disappointment but at least i could say i stayed true to who i was as a person.  so think about it. think about what ive said.

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